Do you matter?

I really loved this NYT piece from a little bit ago, “Want to Believe in Yourself? ‘Mattering’ Is Key.: This overlooked concept has been linked to better relationships — with oneself and others.”

Dr. Flett, now a professor at York University and the author of “The Psychology of Mattering,” is one of the world’s foremost authorities on the subject. He and other experts agree that a sense of mattering is necessary for human flourishing, and while some factors are out of our control, there are steps, both big and small, that everyone can take to enhance it…

Mattering is “a core, universal human need,” a necessary component for well-being, Dr. Flett said. But it’s tricky to define, he added, because people sometimes confuse it with belonging, self-esteem and social connection.

Mattering involves “more than feeling like you belong in a group,” he explained; it’s also being “missed by people in that group if you weren’t there.” When it comes to self-esteem, you can like yourself and feel capable, Dr. Flett said, but “you still won’t be a happy person if no one notices you when you enter a room.”

To matter, people must feel valued — heard, appreciated and cared for — and they must feel like they add value in ways that make them feel capable, important and trusted, said Isaac Prilleltensky, a professor at the University of Miami and a co-author of “How People Matter.” It’s a two-part definition: feeling valued and adding value.

Research suggests that people who feel like they matter experience more self-compassion, relationship satisfaction, and greater belief in their capacity to achieve their goals, while lack of mattering is associated with burnout, self-criticism, anxiety, depression, aggression and increased risk of suicide.

How do you know where you fall on the scale? Start, Dr. Prilleltensky said, by asking yourself a few questions: Do you feel valued in your relationships? At work (both paid and unpaid)? In your community? Do you matter to yourself, possessing a sense that you’re worthy regardless of what you accomplish or how you look?

Then ask whether you add value in each of those four areas. Do you feel like a good partner or friend? Do you feel competent at work? Do those outside your immediate circle rely on you for anything? Is self-care a reality or a pipe dream?

The key, Dr. Prilleltensky said, is to aim for a sense of balance across both parts of the definition and all areas of your life. (Think, for instance, of the workaholic who is indispensable at the office but doesn’t invest enough time at home to feel valuable there.) These questions can help you notice where you need to make changes.

I know I’ve written before about what a great job, psychologically, being a college professor is.  I know I add value to my students and, yeah, I’m pretty sure that a good number of them value me.  And you’ve got to be really messing up as a parent to not being adding value to your kids’ lives.  

Anyway, I know I’ve mentioned that I attribute my general happiness to a high genetic setpoint that I don’t really have a lot to do with (thanks, Mom!), but, as for the rest of it, I feel like I matter and that’s obviously a damn good thing.